Funny jokes and/or picture thread
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    green and red man's Avatar
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    Funny jokes and/or picture thread

    Feel free to post clean funny jokes and pics in this thread. Whatcha got?

    I'll start with a joke that has many variations. You may have heard this one before and my version may be a tad different.

    A salesman was traveling by a farm and noticed a pig with a wooden leg and it really made him curious so he stopped and asked the farmer about it.
    Salesman: Sir, I just noticed your pig has a wooden leg.

    Farmer: Yeah, that is the best pig!!!! Let me tell you about him. A while back I was out on the back 40 and the tractor overturned and pinned me underneath. That pig heard me yelling for help. He came and dug me out.

    Salesman: Wow! That is really something.

    The farmer didn't answer why the pig was missing a leg, but the salesman left it at that and decided to just leave.

    A few days passed and the salesman was in the same area going door to door and again noticed the same pig on the farm. This time the pig had two wooden legs. He saw the farmer outside so he stopped and inquired about the pig.

    Salesman: Hi, I was in the area again and couldn't help but notice that your pig now has two wooden legs.

    Farmer: Oh, yes, that is the best pig!!! He is really something!!! The other night, the house caught on fire while my family and I were all asleep. That pig broke the door down and pulled us all to safety before the fire department arrived to put out the fire. We surely would've burned alive or died of smoke inhalation if he hadn't saved us.

    Salesman: Holy Cow, that is absolutely amazing!!

    The salesman didn't get his question answered once again and since he had many more stops to make, he didn't have time to stay and get to the bottom of the real story on the pig. So, he said good bye to farmer and went on his way.

    A week or so passed and the salesman was again passing through the area where that farm was located. As he was passing by, he noticed that this time the pig had no legs at all. This time he was determined to find out what the heck was going on. He stopped and questioned the farmer again.

    Salesman: Hello, it's me again. I saw your pig just now and noticed that he now has no legs at all.

    Farmer: That is the best pig!!! I tell ya. That is absolutely the best pig!!! A couple days ago, little Timmy was out walking in the woods and a rattlesnake was about to strike him. Just as that snake was readying to bite, suddenly, out of nowhere that pig ran in and grabbed the snake by the tail and threw it with his mouth. Timmy was saved.

    Salesman: My goodness, that really is a great pig!!! But, sir, ok, I understand how the pig has saved you all from sudden death or injury and that is wonderful and all , but that still doesn't explain why everytime I have come by here that pig is missing another leg. Now he has no legs at all.

    Farmer: Oh that. (He chuckled a bit) Well anyone knows you don't eat a pig that good all at once.




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    Uncle Wayne's Avatar
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    macgyver6046, tcass and johnH123 like this.
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    Uncle Wayne's Avatar
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    The ladies like this one

    In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

    "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

    Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

    She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

    She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

    For some reason, wives tend to like this joke........
    Wayne
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    Fast thinking

    An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
    He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

    One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

    The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

    Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

    Some old men can still think fast....!
    rgd, Scotty370, chex313 and 5 others like this.
    Wayne
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    A pirate's life

    A pirate walked into a bar & the bartender said,
    "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

    "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

    "What about the wooden leg?" the bartender
    asks. "You didn't have that before."

    "Well, we were in a battle & I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine
    now." says the pirate.

    "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" asked the bartender.

    "We were in another battle." replied the pirate "I boarded a ship & got
    into a sword fight & my hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

    The bartender asks, "What about that eye patch?"

    The pirate replies, "Oh, one day we were at sea, & a flock of sea gulls flew over. I looked up & one of them dropped in my eye."

    "You're kidding“, said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from bird droppings."

    The pirate responds, "It was my first day with the hook."
    Wayne
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    Uncle Wayne likes this.
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    This one is for tomorrow. Been nice knowing you guys
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails 293109_320597658052762_443529687_n.jpg
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  12. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to RRMCCABE For This Useful Post:

    green and red man(12-20-2012), Uncle Wayne(12-21-2012)

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    green and red man's Avatar
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    ????

    Don't know exactly what this first pic is. Maybe it's a human q-tip covered in ear wax.



    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Pic 1.jpg

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