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GTT's Pilot in Command (PIC)
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Ok y'all. We managed to cross over the line a few times, as well as seeing how close we could come to it, many times, in the old thread.

This is a website that is aimed at being family friendly. There are also sponsors and advertisers of the site, that actually allow us to have free access.

That being said, I am starting a new jokes thread, but placing it in the Politics forum. That means, one has to request to be here, so hopefully will not be easily offended.

In my opinion, that does not make this a "free for all, anything goes" thread. Use common sense, please! If you would not tell the joke in front of your family, and in mixed company, please do not post it here. I'm not a prude, by any stretch, but I understand the lines that I have typed above. If you are not OK with policing yourself, then please, read what is here and move on, so we do not invite the Administrators and Moderators to come look closely and have more work to do. They are always patient with us, but let's not push it.

After all of that, if this thread is not allowed, I give my permission for it to be removed.
 

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GTT's Pilot in Command (PIC)
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Discussion Starter #5
Law vs Psychology

Law vs Psychology


A guy was looking for a place to sit in the crowded university library. Spying an empty chair next to a girl, he asked her,"Do you mind if I sit beside you?"





At which she replied in a loud voice: " NO I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"





All the people in the library immediately stared at the guy, who was embarrassed and quickly moved to another table.



After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you were embarrassed, right?"



So the guy then responded very loudly:"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? .... THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH!"





All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.



The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
 

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GTT's Pilot in Command (PIC)
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Discussion Starter #6
The man knows his math!!

GREAT THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WALK
I was riding to work
> yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in
> front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto
> the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
>
> This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his
> arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
>
> 'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I
> ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a
> female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
>
> I drive 48 miles each way every
> day to work.
>
> That's 96 miles each day.
>
> Of these, 16 miles each way is
> bumper-to-bumper
>
> Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
>
> There are
> 7 cars
> every 40 feet for 32 miles.
>
> That works out to 982 cars every mile, or
> 31,424 cars.
>
> Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not
> bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least
>
> another 4000 cars.
>
> That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I
> pass every day.
>
> Statistically, females drive half of these.
>
> That's 18,000 women drivers!
>
> In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
>
> That's 642.
>
> According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love
> life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
>
> That's 449.
>
> According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
> seriously considered suicide or homicide.
>
> That's 98.
>
> And 34% describe men as their
> biggest problem.
>
> That's 33.
>
> According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
> weapons and this number is increasing especially in
> California .
> That means that EVERY
> SINGLE DAY, I drive past at
> least
> one female that has a lousy love life, thinks
> men
> are
> her biggest problem, has seriously
> considered
> suicide or homicide, has
> PMS, and is armed.
>
> Give her the finger?
>
> I
> don't think so.
 

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Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua , NY.

But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.

"No, five dollars!" fired back Clinton. This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"

And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the Secretary of State.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled "See what you get for five bucks!"
 

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GTT's Pilot in Command (PIC)
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Discussion Starter #8
Women Drivers

This
> > morning on the 401 Hwy,
> > I looked over to my left and there was a
> > Woman
> > in a brand new Cadillac
> > Doing 65 mph
> > with her face up
> > next to her
> > rear view mirror
> > Putting on her eyeliner.
> > I looked away
> > For a couple seconds...
> > to continue shaving
> > and when I looked back, she was
> > halfway over in my lane,
> > still working on that makeup.
> > As a man,
> > I don't scare easily.
> > But she scared me so much;I had to put on my
> > seat belt and
> > I dropped my electric
> > shaver,
> > which knocked the
> > donut
> > out of my other hand.
> > In all the confusion of
> > trying
> > to straighten out the car
> > using my knees against
> > the steering wheel, it
> > knocked
> > My Cell
> > Phone
> > away from my ear
> > which fell
> > into my coffee which was
> > between my legs,
> > splashed,
> > and burned
> > Big Jim and the Twins.
> > ruined the dang phone,
> > soaked my trousers,
> > and disconnected an
> > important call.
> > Darned women
> > drivers!
 

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I have to ask, is that real?
If so, who ever came up with that is a GDG! (G-d D--n Genius)
 

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I suspect that it is real, but can't vouch for it. Someone else sent the photo to me. :thumbup1gif:
 

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Diary of a Snow Shoveler

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.
What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.
I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would
have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.
I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell.
The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing.
Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night.
More shoveling. Took all day.
Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss.
By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today,
and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6".
Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-***** who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry [email protected]@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the [email protected]@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26: Still snowed in.
Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28: Warmed up to above -5. Still snowed in. The ***** is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?


December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother.
....9" predicted.

December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
.....Why am I tied to the bed?
 

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GTT's Pilot in Command (PIC)
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Discussion Starter #15
But it is true, not so much a joke....
 

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GTT's Pilot in Command (PIC)
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Discussion Starter #16
A friend sent me these. They can go here, or the gun forum, but I opted to put them here.
 

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ImageUploadedByTapatalk1403585177.689360.jpg

I am a cowboys fan but even I thought this was funny.


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1025R FILB, 60D mower, Artillian forks, and Ken's hooks.
 

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An Observant Student


It was a practical experiment in a college psychology class. The professor brought out a large cage with a male rat in it. The rat was positioned in the middle of the cage.

The professor put a piece of cake on one side and added a female rat on the other side. The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.

Then, the professor changed the cake and put in some cheese. The male rat ran towards the cheese.

This experiment went on with the professor changing the food and, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.

The professor said, "This experiment shows that food is the most important attraction for males."

Then, one of the students from the back row said, "Sir, why don't you change the female rat? She might be his wife."


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1025R FILB, 60D mower, Artillian forks, and Ken's hooks.
 

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"When Engineers die"

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.

He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"


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1025R FILB, 60D mower, Artillian forks, and Ken's hooks.
 
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